DAY 1 - 872 KMs



I left Calgary at about 1pm on Thursday, August 7, under sunny skies with only a backpack in tow. Arriving to a twenty-car wait at the border 2.5 hours after setting out, I was relieved to get off the bike and give my rear end a much needed rest.

ASS PAIN SCALE – 5/10

Trip Mistake #1: Sometime between stretching and slowly inching the bike forward towards the crossing, I remembered that I had packed a Cuban cigar.

For those who don't know, the US has had a trade embargo with Cuba since 1961. Bringing any Cuban products into the US is illegal and can result in ridiculous fines and/or imprisonment. With my focus shifting away from my throbbing ass, I began to panic.

Not wanting to let the cigar go to waste, I decided to smoke as much of it as quickly as I could before reaching the crossing (it was a Cohiba and tasted phenomenal). Ten minutes later and well within eyesight of the US customs agents, light-headedness and nausea kicked in. Against my better judgment, I decided not to dump what was left of the Cuban death stick on the side of the road.



About to black-out and ready to throw up, I asked a Canadian customs agent who was walking by if he could tell me where to throw away the half-smoked cigar. He suggested that I simply turn it over to the US customs agent when I reached the crossing. Reluctant, and for good reasons that I would soon discover, I regrettably followed his advice...

...45 minutes after "voluntarily turning in" the half-smoked cigar over to the US customs agent, the interrogation process was in full swing. I was repeatedly asked questions relating to my non-existent involvement with the Hell's Angels motorcycle club. The thought that a full body-cavity search was in the works made me throw up a bit in my mouth and squeeze out a few drops of pee. Luckily, no one noticed.

After finally convincing US customs that I was just some goofy-looking guy with braces who lacked the intimidating qualities required to represent a world-class motorcycle gang, they set me free (without having to undergo the body-cavity search thank god). I have to admit though; US customs agents sure have the ability to absolutely scare the shit out of you. After switching to a dry, clean pair of underwear, I was back on my bike, tearing South down I-15 towards Great Falls, laughing like a hyena in my helmet at my early misfortunes.

I stopped in at Jaker's restaurant in Great Falls for dinner. The BBQ burger was kick ass and the Americans hanging out around the bar made for great company! In a city filled with fast food joints and casinos on every corner, Jaker's is an oasis of awesomeness. I highly recommend the place.



ASS PAIN SCALE – 7/10

Heading East towards Lewiston, it got dark pretty quick. I refueled at the Hwy 87 / Hwy 191 junction, took a piss, and then engaged in a few minutes of redneck-watching before blasting off away from the sunset. I decided to turn down South on Hwy 191 towards Harlowton where I figured I'd crash for the night.

Riding down Hwy 191 towards Harlowton offered one of the most amazing sights I'd ever seen. I can't even begin to explain how surreal and epic those red, oscillating Windmill farm lights are in the pitch black. If you ever drive past here at night, look East when you get between 28 to 33 miles south of the junction. Don’t take your eyes off the road for too long though because there are apparently loads of deer in the area.

I arrived at Harlowton at about midnight and all the motels were fully booked. So much for that idea. I decided to man up, drink five cups of coffee and brave the 146 kms to Billings.

As I was about to leave the station, I was approached by a trucker name Katt who overheard me telling the attendant I was heading down to Billings. Her and her trucker partner Dave offered to lead me as they were heading that way. Katt came up with an ingenious idea of turning on her turn signal on whichever side she’d spot deer. Over the next hour and a half, I must have seen those signal lights go off a few dozen times but I never saw a deer. Those guys could have pretty much saved my ass from riding my bike up a deer’s ass. And on top of that, they even offered to throw my bike in the back, tie it down, and let me sit in the cab with them all the way to Sturgis that night. My ass immediately accepted the offer but for some reason, I felt like I’d be cheating myself if I didn’t ride all the way down to Sturgis on my own accord so once we reached Billings, off they went... …the damn coolest, most awesome truckers ever.



I arrived in Billings sometime between 1:30 and 2 in the morning, found a hotel, then immediately passed out. I didn’t sleep too well that night. I kept having re-occurring nightmares of freight trains running me over from behind.

ASS PAIN SCALE – 8.5/10

THAT WAS GREAT!! Hahahahahahahahahahahahaha...cool, can't wait for the next installment!!

now have to wait till next year to go on a multi-day ride

Bugger that.
Pick a direction/destination and go. You won't regret it.
if anything untoward happens..then it becomes an adventure.

Day 4 - 280 KMs



I woke up with the Mother-of-All-Roots jabbing in my thigh.  To make matters worse, my tent had turned into a sauna overnight and I was drenched in sweat.  And would you know it?  It was already Friday!  Ahhhhhhh shit!

We started the morning off with breakfast at a local church in Sturgis.  We had the usual to eat, which was followed by high-fives from a few of the local parishioners.  We then prepared for the day's ride to the Black Hills that would cover the Needles Highway and Iron Mountain road with stops along the way at Mt Rushmore, Crazy Horse, Sylvan Lake for lunch and finally Keystone for beers and ice cream.  Before Jesus could come out and personally thank us for dropping in, we were gone and tearing down on I-90 towards Rapid City.

Trip Mistake #5: I brought an extra bandana with me but didn't bother to use it on the ride to Rapid City.

I arrived in Rapid City looking like I had caught some kind of weird infection.  My face was covered in small red bumps and itchier than a Thai hooker's venereal disease.  Was my hungover shaving adventure's razor burn acting up?  Or was I suffering from a massive biscuits-and-gravy induced allergic reaction?  Damn you God of whatever church we had breakfast at!  A closer look in the mirror in some shady gas station washroom revealed that bugs were the culprit.  Funny how I had forgotten about the torture those critters put me through on the ride over.  When riding 80 mph on the Interstate, those bugs feel like small plastic machine-gun bullets hitting you in the face.  And the ones that managed find a way in my mouth?  Well, they added to my daily calorie intake and made for a tasty mid-morning snack I guess.

Shortly after, I was gassing up at the pump while breathing in those wonderful and intoxicating fumes when I had an epiphany; to go "bandito" using my extra bandana!  ...and I never looked back (only figuratively speaking of course - kids, don't forget those shoulder checks!).



For those of you shaking your heads in disbelief at my total lack of interest in self-preservation as evidently displayed in the picture above... ...at least I wasn't wearing my flip-flops?  ATGATT?  What's that?

Our first stop was at a rest-stop just past Mt Rushmore.  Unfortunately, there had been a 2-bike collision at the entrance of the memorial site moments before we arrived, and we were thus required to make a quick detour through the memorial's parking lot.  I searched the internet hoping to shed light on the fate of the people involved but nothing came up so I hope that the lack of information on this accident indicates that everyone was okay.

Now you might be asking why we didn't just enter the park and get a better view of the monument.  Well, to make a long story short, my Dad doesn't support government/state-run cash grabs such as Mt Rushmore.  He expressed that he'd much rather donate his Mt Rushmore entrance fee to a private project that supports an area's local heritage such as the Crazy Horse Memorial and its affiliated Indian Museum and Cultural Center.  With US politics always striving to reach new levels of ridiculousness, who could argue with the guy?  Who wants to pay money to watch rock carvings of old rich dudes who used to own slaves?   We did, however, manage to get a decent, no-cost view of George Washington's profile from the rest-stop.





Our next stop was Crazy Horse where we were lucky enough to witness some blasting.  Although the explosion was anti-climactic, it was still pretty cool to see.  We walked around and read up on the cultural significance of the memorial and then sat down and watched a 20-minute video covering its history.  I suggest that you read about the place if you ever have a few minutes (http://www.crazyhorse.org) and if you're ever in the area, definitely check it out.  Crazy Horse is going to be one big, crazy, tall motherfucker when he's done being carved.  Work is slow going though as a result of inadequate funding so it could take another 120 years.



As for the Needles Highway and Iron Mountain road, it's pretty hard to describe the breathtaking views and how much fun the rides are.  You'll just have to find out for yourself and make your way to Sturgis for next year's rally.  The following pictures don't even come close to accurately portraying the feeling one gets riding through the area.



Can you pass up a quick stop at a little pub in the countryside that advertises beer for $2 while on one of the most breathtaking rides ever?  Well, we couldn't!  We found out that we weren't the only Canadians that lacked willpower and ended up chatting with some friendly folks from Red Deer over a couple of beers.  By this time, my Rider's Hemorrhoids were flaring up on me pretty bad and only beer could soothe the pain.

Ass Pain Scale: 9/10

Note to Self: Get a cruiser next year!

We stopped in Keystone on the way back for more some ice cream and souvenirs before making the day's final push back to Sturgis, which to no surprise to anyone, yielded a few interesting views.

The evening was spent eating dinner at the campground then drinking at the campsite.  We didn't get crazy this night, opting to take it easy instead.  We went to bed after planning for the following day to be our Sturgis-Then-Pub-Crawl Day.

...stay tuned for more pictures and Day 5

Hey Ry/Saraya!

Yeah, I'm still considering getting a cruiser (Yamaha Raider) but I'd have to let go of the Repsol (can't afford both... because of the recession, haha).  If I can't get the price I want for the Repsol, I'll probably keep it for another year or two so we'll see what happens come Spring time.

Wow, I really need to jump back on board here and finish this travel report before my Alzheimers kicks in.  I've still got a couple of days left to write about!

You guys get your bikes yet?

I didn't realize that Sturgis was in the Northern States...for some reason I thought it was way down south...we should plan an Alberta invasion...do the trip as a group...I definately would need to have a cruiser by then, or I would be crippled...

Later.

No Yellowstone, it was a quick trip back up, stopping one night in White Sulphur Springs (which was a big let down by the way).  If I had a cruiser, I would definitely taken my time to ride back up though.  Just couldn't handle the saddle pain.